priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
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I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
For the ones in the back.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.