Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
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I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.