9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
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People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?