[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
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Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.