I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
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Potatoes were such a good idea
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Wasps: bees, but not helping
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.