me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
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If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I unironically love this joke.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.