Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
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Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
a fate I wish upon no one
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Before & after 😅
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice