me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
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An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
fixed it
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.