Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
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*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]