[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
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[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong