In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
You Might Also Like
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
My beach vacation Google searches
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!