Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
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today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.