There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
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The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.