Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
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Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?