My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
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My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
💻🤡
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
wish me luck lads
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I’m too immature for adultery.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.