nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Did…did a minotaur write this
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”