There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
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new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I feel it
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!