Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
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Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.