[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
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A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
how much for the angry fruit?
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
This is true.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange