I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
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ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
do horses think humans are hats
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*