My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
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ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Ah..makes sense now
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast