Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
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“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.