Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
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Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.