If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
You Might Also Like
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.