In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
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I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
my fav colour is also hitler
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid