The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
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I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.