everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
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“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I only eat vegetarians.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again