god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
You Might Also Like
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I unironically love this joke.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.