Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
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I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.