[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
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[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
girls literally only want one thing..
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]