Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
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I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.