[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
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A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Wake me when AI does housework
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon