If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
You Might Also Like
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Spotted in New Orleans.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
step 6: release the wall snake
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo