Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
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Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Me irl
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked