It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
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The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Peace was never an option
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Bring back the McRib
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.