HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
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Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Salad is the decaf of food.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello