I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
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HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I鈥檇 pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Not now. I鈥檓 deglazing.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn鈥檛 apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn鈥檛 looking.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
We can鈥檛 do civil war yet. I don鈥檛 have the right outfit.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I鈥檝e deleted all dating apps off my phone I鈥檓 over it 馃槶 I鈥檓 waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that鈥檚 too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don鈥檛 play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
馃槤
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.