[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
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Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail