Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
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I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Jesus steals the winter solstice
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”