It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
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“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.