I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
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Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.