looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
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My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
it was love at first sight
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”