No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
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There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
i- i did not expect this
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.