I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
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“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
just having fun