I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
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If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao