*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
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*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!