time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
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Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL