Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
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Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
No, I don’t think I will.