My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
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me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
The Assassin.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed