I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
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[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.